..SpOnGe bOb ..

~HE~

2012-01-29T20:20:00.000+08:00

The start of ~HE~ and which will take weeks or months for an end of posts in this blog. I will keep my detailed complaint to Allah. As for my friend update, why is it so hard to forget a guy? How to stop loving a guy ? Oh my ,if anyone has answer for this can you share with me ? My heart is so rebelies. After rejection, it just can't stop loving him. This is a disease and i need an treatment. Now. i regret much. Heart is most dangerous thing to deal with !

Rejection?

2012-01-27T11:37:00.001+08:00

Of 23 years, i have learnt something about life and me. Love is never meant for me. I had crushes on many guys which i categorize as nice to see. But none was the to say i like and loved. Or have I ? *I have no idea how love should feel*. But this one guy I know falls into that 2 ; like and love. At first, the first thing I know was his name when i was in first day at Bangi. He was the YDP Jaksa but he was not there. His name had a special attraction. At that moment, I really wanted to know more about him. A week after , i saw him at my previous college. He has a look but not good looking, not so tall yet not short but taller than me, not so fair ,skin colour like me, he was alone for the 3 times I saw him. The forth time in the cafe, he approached me wanting to know more about me. Well, i was the only Indian Muslim junior girl entered first year at that time. He is 2nd year medical, did STPM before entering UKM. This point really made to be attached more with him. We exchange numbers and we was quite frequent with messages and calls. We did went out for four times in first semester.I was attached with him compared to my batch-mates. I was very much reluctant to share anything with girl friends that I have at the moment at UKM after traumatizing moment with Sponge Bob. As the days goes, I realized that I start liking him more eventually I did fall in love with him *It just a feeling of I cant describe- well, this also uncertainties of me of defining love at that moment* So, after this unexplained feeling, I began to move away from him in the second semester. Even, he does avoid me. I have no idea of what happen on his side. Though I have avoided him, thoughts of him never had disappeared. The unexplained feeling grew deeper. I joined many activities just to avoid much thoughts. After an year after that, I called him on his birthday. After that, I do keep in touch with him like once a month. I was going after him without me realizing it. At a point of time, I confessed and i really wanted to move away because its not right on his behalf as he don't have such feeling. I did for some move away. But i failed to do it completely. I was still going after him. *when i think back- it just look im so desperate for him. I have no idea. Thats why people say love is blind?* I'm the one calls and messages him. He do not after my confession. He would reply when i message and calls. and I really know where I stand for him. A friend. That's all and not more. It has been going like for some time until at home my mum already start finding life partner for me. That how a big headache comes into my head. For me, love only come once with only one person. Thats it ! It don't work out i choose to concentrate in my career rather than my marriage or future life. So, 3 days before I message him confessing again and i wanted to know his answer. Today, i got the reply.
Here it his reply ;

''..honestly speaking, I like you.. but im not sure whether I love u or not, as kita just meet few times, and i dont really know in detail about you.. I dowan to be bind by uncertainties or to anyone for now.. I will only decide who I gonna marry after I start my housemanship, and I know you cant wait till that time, so the best decision will be for u to follow ur parents decision.....[cont.]...''

It was a fair enough answer. So, one sided love ends here. Little I feel sad about this but not much. I need to be alone to feel much. I hope i don't such situation to be alone to think about this. I'm not strong to go through this.

Love only come once. I loved a guy once. Thats it. Time to focus on my carrier and not more in my marriage (Im not going to betray any guy by marrying another person eventually whereby my mind and heart belongs to this guy. Its an absolute betrayal !) Unless this guy comes back to me.I will tell the truth to my parents when the time comes. Allah knows the best. The end of my love story.

Gathering ! =D

2012-01-27T10:17:00.002+08:00

Alhamdullilah for still having time to update my blog. Today we had gathering after so long. All was there except Lavi. In short, it was good that rejuvenates my soul. Had been sometime that i truly have been myself. Today, i did manage to tell my gengs the unexpected update. Then we get updated with each other. Sponge Bob was there. I was reluctant to talk much or hear much. Overall, it has been an awesome time to spend with for this holiday.

when the 2 he's comes into life

2012-01-13T00:11:00.000+08:00

The 2 he's. One is my best fren. Another one my senior. Well, the first he. Talking with him (with just him only) make each moment so meningful. I know i spent the very least time with him compared to others. Just to avoid unnecessary hurtings. But a few minutes gives the happiness of no other thing can give being over here. The second he. Too many he previous post until dunno which he now? Let him be anonymous till the day his identity might get revealed. The same goes with this he. The very least time i spent with him. I no longer meet him face to face. I shall say i don't dare. I don't want him to have any hope if he happens to be (solely my assumption.I have never ask him much about this). Much he come to thoughts (random thoughts). I miss this both hes' though i know to them i just no one of importance/ or priorities.

Random thoughts

2012-01-09T16:54:00.000+08:00

Reading my old post made me to think how much I have evolved and moved forward. But till today bits of it is still deep in the heart. It just traumatizes. Just ! I have no other words to describe. Well, its not about jealousy or envious but it just disappointment. Having to have over the same thing is just unacceptable. And I still have like 4 weeks to go ahead with this and 2 more years to be free from this. All iz well all iz well.

((;.new.year. ;))

2012-01-01T14:33:00.000+08:00

Its already 2012. Im already 23 years old. Wow.. 23 years old ! 2011 Ended well and 2012 started quite awesomely.Looking through 2011 with a reflection.Basically partial 2nd year and 3 quater of 3rd year. Second year was awesome with having been in Jaksa and being in KTSN. 3rd year.The awesomest moment was having a best friend. The opposite of it was when that doesn't last long. (as as usual). Well, after that, to counteract the loneliness, thats how I started on to be involved in 2 mega programs to fill in the time that I used to spend with my best friend. The first I was involved in GOPENG whereby its KPT program under Program Transformasi Luar Bandar. Then, Sabah program at Enubai and Senagang. From this , 2 core things.Firstly, friendship and secondly networks and experince. Friendship: Its starts to be tough to maintain as everybody is busy with their own things. Not to blame anyone for not being free or to be busy. At least now hoping there would be a gtahering during their mid sem holiday. For UKM friends, we try hard to be together before the start of any posting and the very end of posting. The intention to add one more member in the preformed geng failed as certain traumatic experiences of the member. The only thing that failed in 2011. Secondly, networks and experience. GOPENG was with KPT, other faculty and other uni. Sabah was with JASA and other faculty.I got to know more people and how they do their works and expands my networks and contacts. Gopeng was collaboration with TV3.Sabah was collaboration with RTM1 and RTM Sabah. So for both programs, we got the chances to be in TV. Sabah especially a documentation was done and aired at TVi 180 ASTRO 31st December 2011 and bicara rakyat RTM1. Free accommodations, air tickets.. everything was FOC. The only thing that need to be given was service. Thats all. I really enjoyed of giving some part to those people especially those in Sabah. Contented to able to give to needy community. And i wish Im able to do more in future. So, future, 2012 and coming years. I have no specific resolutions. I weigh my days more than years.. Minutes in a day matters more than a year time for resolution. The more I want is to spend more time with people worth spending with that is my family. Hope every coming weekends gives me the chances to go back home and have precious time with them. *Feel so kekok writing blog after sometime away from it. I shall updating my blog quite frequent after this as i think this is only way to update my Penang kaigals about myself*

Random thoughts

2011-12-25T23:36:00.001+08:00

Having time packed with activities had greatly reduced much of my thoughts of the past events from start of 2nd sem till Sabah trip.But from this week onwards, I have no activities to be packed with.No meeting. Today my brain had so much to think of the past. Especially happiness moments. For most, sad moments traumatizes them. For me , the happiness moments traumatizes me. Again, I have lost my peaceful sleep , peaceful moments. It was tough moment for me to hold to this and now it just back to normal again. I hate myself being in thing over over again as if there is no way out. Those moments just cant get ride from my mind.I have no idea of how.Im tired of complaining to people over the same thing. Even bored to listen to it. From Taman Malawati, RSK, Klang. road trips, cars, midnight outing, pasar malam, library, bowling, beaches every single thing is still as fresh as it is.With people being the witness of the friendship that was going on, each time people tell/ask the name, seriously my mind goes blank and ..Hmmm.. Im kinda regret of allowing myself to feel happiness. I shall have stayed in my own world without having those happiness. I do feel of leaving my course for the sake how much the happiness is traumatizing me from moving forward. Its kinda stupid of thinking this as I have no other way. I shall find another activity to be busy with for the remaining weeks so that i could reduce my random thoughts of regrets.All.iz.well.All.iz.well.

Little to share on my Sabah Trip

2011-12-23T17:55:00.001+08:00

At first, I was hesitating to go for this trip as its gonna make me o be absent from OnG posting. It is a community project with the purpose of screening of the population. The trip lasted for 5 days. 2 days at Tenom , 2 days at Keningau and 1 day at Kota Kinabalu. Of overall, I really felt contented serving the needy people. There were a lot newly diagnosed hypertension. However, prevalence of diabetes was very low. They also able to check free dental check up, women's health and man's health.Next, I enjoyed myself from without having to have hypocrite life.I enjoyed each moments with friends. Expressed myself. Whenever possible, I try to spend my time with people and especially this some one whom attracted me much.Some sort like crush. (Just for past time there =P) I had nice time with that someone for the 4 days. Even though, it just 4 days, the memories was just as awesome it is. Ha ha. The rest , the pictures shall do the talking =D. (View the pictures in my facebook profile)

Need a shoulder to lean on

2011-12-13T23:21:00.000+08:00

Just a little building up in the emotions and thoughts. Its has been more than a month time. I had no time to sit and write update about myself. Well, much things had happened and came to an end. Life has been totally different compared to 2 years I was in UKM. Now, seriously I am back to an hypocrite life. I had to mingle to with whom I don't prefer, had to move away from who I like and close to my heart, lie (no to say.. everyday most of the moment). I had detected 'lalang' this time. I have never deal a 'lalang' so smooth and yet still I cant show my anger. So, the anger had built up so much. It would burst soon or later. But i also know in the end im the one who is gonna affect much as I know with whom I am dealing with. In dilemma of no where and no body to lean on. Everybody looks suspicious. I am in a state that I am able to trust a stranger rather than so called friend. Chameleons is surrounding me.. Until I lose my judgement who are not... Eventually , I don't appreciate them either. I am start hating and calculative over what people have done to me (never did I develop this bad behaviour before this ! I blame myself to fool myself before this and until I get myself fooled now) Something seriously have to stop me moving in this way . I am not this kind person. Well enough , I didn't want to be. I want to preserve what I have been what gives satisfaction to myself and my soul. Every moment peace is taken away from that moment.. Already months finding for peace. Yet only solution is going back home. Not all the time I'm afford to do that.. Like now. I'm struggling to get out from this. Having to be on sleeping pills never been so good as it would lose its efficacy one day . The only place for me to be dependent is Allah. Much strength He provides for me to hold on. At times, just ......

2011-11-02T23:30:00.000+08:00

Thank you readers for reading.

.THE END.