Need a shoulder to lean on

Just a little building up in the emotions and thoughts. Its has been more than a month time. I had no time to sit and write update about myself. Well, much things had happened and came to an end. Life has been totally different compared to 2 years I was in UKM. Now, seriously I am back to an hypocrite life. I had to mingle to with whom I don't prefer, had to move away from who I like and close to my heart, lie (no to say.. everyday most of the moment). I had detected 'lalang' this time. I have never deal a 'lalang' so smooth and yet still I cant show my anger. So, the anger had built up so much. It would burst soon or later. But i also know in the end im the one who is gonna affect much as I know with whom I am dealing with. In dilemma of no where and no body to lean on. Everybody looks suspicious. I am in a state that I am able to trust a stranger rather than so called friend. Chameleons is surrounding me.. Until I lose my judgement who are not... Eventually , I don't appreciate them either. I am start hating and calculative over what people have done to me (never did I develop this bad behaviour before this ! I blame myself to fool myself before this and until I get myself fooled now) Something seriously have to stop me moving in this way . I am not this kind person. Well enough , I didn't want to be. I want to preserve what I have been what gives satisfaction to myself and my soul. Every moment peace is taken away from that moment.. Already months finding for peace. Yet only solution is going back home. Not all the time I'm afford to do that.. Like now. I'm struggling to get out from this. Having to be on sleeping pills never been so good as it would lose its efficacy one day . The only place for me to be dependent is Allah. Much strength He provides for me to hold on. At times, just ......